Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
