I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
