Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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