You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
