I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
