I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
