nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
