meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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