They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Terrible idea I love it
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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