To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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