i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
