I'm going to jail i love you
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
