Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
