You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
