new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
