I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
