I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
