Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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