The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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