Just mADE A PArabola og urine
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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