i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
