This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
