I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
