dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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