I just pynch a tree in the face
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
