I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize