Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
