and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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