vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
