How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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