Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Everclear isn't food dammit
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
