Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
