On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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