did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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