If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My cat gives me a boner
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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