How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize