When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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