Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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