K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
