I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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