just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
