Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
