I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
