dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize