I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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