How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
