You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
