I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
