woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
