I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
