Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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