i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
