How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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