im having a threesome with these popsicles
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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