May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
