hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
