if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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